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"Hello, and thank you for calling Verizon. This call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes..."

--- click ---

VERIZON: Hi, welcome to Verizon. How may I help you today?

BARRY: Oh hi. Um...how's it going?

V: Very well, thank you. Now how may I be of assistance?

B: Well, I...uh...

V: What? What's wrong?

B: It's just...not working for me.

V: Oh, well, perhaps you'd like to upgrade to more minutes? Or a more comprehensive data package?

B: No, it's not that. All that's fine. It's just...it's me, really.

V: Well I'm sure we have a plan that will suit....

B: I think we need to take a little break from each other. Just some time to think.

V: (pause) You want to be without cell phone service for a while so you can THINK?

B: Yeah, you know, clear my head, actually sit at a café and read a book instead of texting. Wander around without anyone being able to reach me. Have uninterrupted thoughts. Like the way things used to be.

V: But don't you remember that thrill of making your first phone call without having to find a phone booth, ask somebody to change a dollar, put that gross receiver to your ear? Remember that day? I do...you even called me to tell me about it.

B: I know, I know, it was good. It was...special. Really. But things have just gotten too...

V: (silence)

B: (silence)

V: Too what?

B: You know. Complicated. Look, I don't know how to explain it, I just need to cancel your services.

V: Fine then!

B: Don't be mad.

V: I'm not mad! I can give you your SPACE, or whatever. I just think you're making a big mistake. We have something good together, and you know it, so I don't know what makes you think that going without my service is going to be some sort of improvement.

B: I said I was sorry.

V: No, you didn't.

B: Yes I did!

V: Nope - I'm looking at the transcript right now, the one we keep for quality assurance, and you did NOT say you were sorry.

B: Can't we be adults about this? Please cancel my service so we can both move on.

V: Fine. I'm pulling up your account now, and...what the hell!?

B: Uh oh...

V: I'm showing that you've already ported your number over to AT&T?!

B: Oh yeah, that. Well...

V: Shut up! You got an iPhone, didn't you? You're destroying all we've built together over some little iFloozy. AND you had the gall to keep your old number? I gave you that number! THAT NUMBER WAS OURS!

B: Look, this will be better for both of us...

V: How can you say that?

B: Can't we just get this over with?

V: You're still under contract with me! For another year. There's gonna be a penalty!

B: I know.

V: A serious freakin' penalty! I'm totally choosing the "Maximum Penalty" option right now!

B: I know.

V: And this will go on your record, so if you think for even a minute that you'll...

B: Hey, I'm getting another call - I can see it flashing on the screen right now! No way! There's even a picture of the person that's calling me! Man, these iPhones are SO cool! Are we done?

V: Whatever.

B: Oh, and could you send me a copy of the transcript of this call?

V: For what?

B: I want to run it as a column. It'll be easier than actually writing one.

V: -click-

Irrelativity is © 2008 by Barry Smith. All rights reserved. No commercial use may be made of the material without prior arrangements with the author. And so on and so forth. If you want to put one of my columns on your web page, or include it in your employee newsletter, or use parts of it in your speech before the U.N., it would be so cool and considerate if you would email me about such things beforehand so we could discuss it.

“YOU’RE BREAKING UP...”